Sexual Interruptions

Jenna and Dave just had a romantic dinner and are now kissing and pulling each other into the bedroom.  Dave takes the bottom of Jenna’s shirt in his hands and Jenna lifts up her arms for Dave to take her shirt off when Dave’s cell phone rings.  He pauses but then ignores it.  He starts lifting up her shirt and her phone rings.  They pause with both phones ringing.  She pulls her arms down half way, definitively stopping the proceedings, takes her phone out of her pants pocket, looks at the caller ID and says “I have to take this.  Hi Jean, what’s up?”  Dave’s phone, of course, stops ringing.

Dave is telling himself that it will just be a second and to stay in the mood. Then his phone beeps from a voicemail and from an incoming text.  He wants to ignore it but looks at Jenna and feels her conversation isn’t going to come to an end in the next 15 seconds, so he takes the phone out, reads the text message and texts the person back.  His phone beeps again and he responds again.  Then it beeps again and he looks at it, laughs and texts.  Then the phone rings.  He again looks at Jenna who is still in deep in her conversation so he figures why not and picks up the call.

A minute later Jenna hangs up and looks at Dave.  While he is talking, she walks past him and gently glides her hand over his stomach as she goes.  She comes back in a few minutes in an opened silk robe with white lace lingerie on underneath.  Dave is wrapping up his call when her phone rings.  He looks at her, covers his microphone and quietly says “Don’t.  I’m almost off.”  Then he leans over like he is trying to hang up and puts his index finger up to Jenna signaling, “hold on for one second.”  She reaches in her robe pocket and takes out her phone to look at the caller ID.  He thinks, “She’s wearing that sexy outfit and her phone is in the pocket?”  He suddenly realizes they both have a problem.  He looks at her and says “No, don’t,” but she mouths “sorry” to him and answers the call anyway.

She starts, “Not a great time, mom.”  Dave thinks, “Mom?”  Why would she pick up a call from her mother in this situation?  “Fine, put dad on.  (pause)  Dad, just take out the trash yourself….”  Dave thinks, this phone thing has got to stop; she is in lingerie, we are on the brink of sex and answering our phones and talking about the family garbage with parents.  We need therapy.  He started to think about what interruptions other people over time must have had…………

Colorado, a few decades ago.  A guy is tickling his hot wife in bed when a there is a flash of light and huge clap of thunder shakes the house.  The wife stops giggling and says, “Honey, I know we haven’t had much of a sex life since Joey came along 5 years ago, and it’s been too long.  Do you remember how much I loved screwing while it’s thundering outside?  Well saddle up cowboy because I’m climbing aboard.”  Just as she puts her leg over her elated husband and is about to crawl on top, there is a knock at the door, it opens up and their son Joey says, “Mom?  Dad?  I’m scared.  Can I get in bed with you?”

Jenna is still on the phone arguing with her parents.  Dave keeps thinking.

Woodstock, 1969.  A couple is making out half naked in the bushes when the announcer says, “….the very beautiful, Joan Baez” and the girl pulls herself away and says “Oh, I really want to hear this.”  The guy says, “You can hear it without watching, baby,” and she responds, “C’mon, it’s Joan Baez!”  The guy looks like he can’t believe it, then shrugs his shoulders, reaches into his pants, pulls out a matchbook and a joint and lights up.

Washington DC, 1939.  FDR is in bed and wakes up at 2:59am when Eleanor walks out of the bathroom.  Eleanor is in a robe and says, “Oh Franklin….I’m feeling frisky.”
FDR: “Honey, you know nothing works down there?”
Eleanor: “Oh really, Franky?  Well maybe I’ll just let this slip off my shoulders a little and we’ll see if that helps perk up the little general.
FDR is captivated:  Gosh, I can’t believe it. I think you got the old jalopy working again.”
Eleanor giggles
FDR:  “Come to bed El and…” the phone rings.  FDR looks at the clock which is now 3am, then he looks at Eleanor like a little kid whose candy has been taken away.  The phone rings again.
FDR:  “Sorry honey, you know I have to get this.  (he picks up the phone)  Hello?  About to invade Poland?!”  He looks over at Eleanor, pauses, then says into the phone, “Can’t it wait?  Fine!”  He slams the phone down, looks at Eleanor with a sad, frustrated look in his eyes because he is about to turn down the first sex he could have had in years, and he yells out, “Fricking Nazis!!!”

San Francisco 1906, two teenagers, Andrea and Billy have been out all night.
Andrea: “Billy, I want my first time, our first time, to be magical.  It’s a beautiful night.  Let’s go up to the top of the highest building in the city to make love.”
Billy: “That sounds great Andrea.”
An hour later, they have been making out for a while on the roof and they start to disrobe excitedly.  As was the fashion of the time, their clothes were complicated but Billy got his off in a hurry.  He tries to help Andrea but a hook is caught.  She gets it unhooked and says, “Ok, got it.  Now you sit over there (pointing to the edge of the roof) and watch me.  He does exactly what she says and sits on the edge of the building.  Just as she gets down to her slip, a magnitude 7.9 earthquake rocks the city and … know.

Dave snaps out of his thoughts and Jenna is still talking to her parents but now there is a little bit of yelling.  He can’t believe it.  His coping mechanism thoughts continue of how this must happen to everyone.

The Frontier.  A tribe of Indians is asleep but one teepee is shaking.  A coyote is sniffing around the teepee and discovers the entry flap.  Dave’s thought process is broken when he hears Jenna say to her parents, “Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Dad!  What is wrong with you?….”  Dave is now sitting on the bed wishing he could go back in time and strangle Alexander Graham Bell before he invented the telephone.

Its 500 years ago in Scotland.  It’s been a long day for a husband and wife tending to their sheep.  In fact it has been a tough couple of months but they just sold most of their flock and celebrated by buying a bottle of fine scotch.  They have a few drinks and drift off to sleep.  In the morning, the sun starts to come up and for the first time in months, they wake up refreshed, happy and quite randy.  They start kissing when the king’s men barge into their home demanding tax money and take all the money the husband and wife made selling their flock.  The men march out laughing.  Needless to say, the mood is broken.

It’s 1500 years ago.  A young couple is just married in Indonesia and are about to do it in their hut for the first time when Krakatoa erupts.

Jenna is still talking to her parents.

It’s 1 Million years ago.  A group of prehistoric “homo erecti” people just killed a saber toothed tiger with their clubs and were starting to eat it.  A girl sees a boy with a club in his hand.  She thinks he looks really hot.  She smiles at him and he flexes his muscles like bodybuilders do today.  She laughs.  He drops his club and walks over to her.  They check each other out, circling each other and grunting softly a little.  The guy takes her hand and they walk off into the high grass to do it.  As they reach a clearing the guy suddenly cant move and looks down to realize he is stuck in a tar pit.  The girl tries to help pull him out when another saber tooth tiger appears, charges them and she runs off.  Before reaching him, the tiger also gets stuck in the tar and the guy howls trying to express, “Come back, the cat is stuck too!  Come back and let’s do it!”  But she hears the howls and thinks he is getting eaten so she runs away faster.

65 million years ago, a Triceratops is mounting another Triceratops when a Tyrannosaurus Rex breaks through the trees and sinks his teeth in the top one.

500 million years ago, a large fish is rubbing up against another when from the murky water, a shark appears and eats one of the fish.

4 billion years ago, two bacteria are next to each other and are about to swap DNA when an amoeba comes by and engulfs them both.

Jenna finally hangs up her phone.  She says, “Sorry, let me put this on silent.  Now where were we?”  She changes the setting to Silent and is about to put her phone down on the dresser when the screen lights up from an incoming call.  She looks at it and says, “Damn it!” and picks up the call.  Dave gets under the covers and goes to sleep.

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