The Big Bathroom Conspiracy

Most of this goes for both men and women, but I’m a guy so I want to start by talking to the women out there.  Yes, this is based on experience.  Ladies, even if you are the hottest thing walking this Earth, if you ever take our phone call into the bathroom, we are done.   Never mind the sounds that I don’t want to hear or the imagery they bring up.  The problem is that even if you wash your hands, the “stuff” is still on the phone you were holding.  So when you then take that toilet-contaminated phone outside the bathroom, it’s like you never washed your hands at all…..and you are spreading your toilet matter all over the place.  Same goes for reading material and purses that some people bring into the facilities.

I never understood how people could take books, magazines and newspapers into a bathroom.  Once they are done and even if they wash their hands, which studies show a huge percentage of the population don’t do,  that contamination on the reading material is coming out with them.  This is why I don’t read anything in any waiting room.  Similarly, have you ever been waiting for a long time in a doctor’s waiting room (of course, we all have) and eventually had to use the bathroom ….and they give you a bathroom key?  Are you fricking kidding me?!!!!!  From a doctor’s office?

WHO KNOWS what’s on that key.  Maybe the last person who used the public bathroom key was at the doctor’s office for a herpes infection.  Do you know that the herpes virus lasts up to 72 hours on inanimate objects.  By the way, so does the virus that causes genital warts.  That means the last person who used that key could have done so 3 days ago and you could still get herpes from it or some other horrible disease.  Lord help you if they were there for what turned out to be a flesh eating bacteria.  I’m sure the doctor has their own key though.  Right?  If not their own private facility in the back.  I feel sorry for the receptionist that passes that key back and forth all day to patients.  Of course, s/he also handles your ID and paperwork.

You would think that doctors would be more conscientious about passing around such a key, or magazines, but then again, it’s probably good for increasing their business.  And when you go back to that doctor that you trust so much to have them treat the new infection, and while there, mention how you blame your spouse or lover for getting and giving you herpes, I’m sure your doctor can also refer you to a great therapist right down the hall that they regularly refer patients too.  Bathroom key?  If I’m desperate I will use it but I will only pick it up with a big wad of paper towel or a number of Kleenexes and I will only use my jacket sleeve to open the door knob.  Don’t get me started on the chairs in a doctor’s office.

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