Notes To Self

Note to self – No matter how tired you are, do not drink two liters of diet coke just before a meeting.
Note to self – Remember that TV show you saw on Antarctica?  It said that the people living there have to eat 6000 calories a day so their bodies can generate enough body heat just to fight the cold.  6000 calories per day…..See if there are apartments to rent in Antarctica.
Note to self – Be more careful of pedestrians….. but its always acceptable to slam into a Segway.
Note to self – Consider telling your friend Larry to get a paternity test.  Blonde plus blonde does not equal brunette.
Note to self – This time remember to tie your shoes before riding your bicycle.
Note to self – Dont ever forget last year’s Super Bowl party because even though you think football is stupid, do not spend football Sundays flirting with the women whos boyfriends and husbands are watching the game in the other room.
Note to self – Even though its not “nice,” just let the woman lie to your face.  You arent going to change her.
Note to self – Do not try to cut your hair again after you have been drinking.
Note to self – Do not pick up girls you meet in a pharmacy.
Note to self – A pint of ice cream is not a nutritional lunch.
Note to self – Don’t call your landlord an asshole (to his face).
Note to self – Don’t call your boss an asshole (to his face).
Note to self – When on a Skype call, and the other party says they want to demonstrate their website, make sure you are wearing a shirt….who know what happens when you click the video button.
Note to self – Singing on a crowded bus makes people uncomfortable….. and adding eye contact is a great way to get a seat.
Note to self – Do not stare down pitbulls.
Note to self – Just because the woman interviewing you might be looking down at your resume, doesnt mean she cant sense you looking at her breasts.
Note to self – Standing in a long line at the post office watching them work as slowly as possible…..So why are the employees the ones who “go postal?”
Note to self – Dry doesn’t work…..there is a reason they invented shaving cream.
Note to self – Maybe you should cut back on chocolate for breakfast.
Note to self – If a woman in the grocery store seems to be engaging you in conversation but also walking away, dont follow her down the isle talking.
Note to self – Big Brother is alive in your cell phone.
Note to self – Don’t associate with people whos outgoing voicemail messages have a pause just after they say their name.
Note to self – Remember, women always talk about what women like, as if they all think the same, but then get mad when you don’t treat them like individuals.
Note to self – A good way to start the morning does not include a diet coke, a redbull and two bowls of Lucky Charms.
Note to self – When the room starts spinning, stop drinking redbull.
Note to self – No matter how tired you get, the genie in your computer screen is not real.
Note to self – Remember to fully zip up the Santa suit.
Note to self – Dont date women with cats or dogs.  The image of her picking up poop will ruin any other images from before.
Note to self – The same rule for pet owners applies to dogwalkers.
Note to self – Do not play with spiders.
Note to self – Stop playing Angry Birds.  It gives you too much stress.

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