Battle of the Cheese States Erupts

Tensions over professed cheese quality that have been mounting between Wisconsin and Vermont, finally erupted in an all-out mass cheese brawl. What started years ago with jovial remarks between the states about their cheeses, took a bad turn during a football game between their two state schools. People were enjoying the game and cheering their teams, but then one of the Vermont fans threw a handful of cream cheese at a Wisconsin alum.  They responded by throwing a brick of cheddar and suddenly it was on.

A stadium wide cheese fight erupted. People were throwing Brie, Swiss, Munster, Gouda and even those UVMfieldcontainers of gooey nacho cheese. Wisconsin’s stadium groundskeeper and facilities manager, Tim Schneeburg said, “This place is a mess and its going to be a long time until we can clean it up.” University officials said they may have to cancel next week’s game. NCAA officials went on record stating they would never again schedule the two schools to meet.


Last month, in response to the latest remarks by Vermont’s governor Peter Shumlin, on how his state’s cheese is more natural, Wisconsin’s governor, Scott Walker, responded, “The only reason they say that is because their cheese stinks more…and the pungent smell isn’t coming from aging, its coming from the cow dung that they don’t clean out of their factories!”


Vermont’s Governor replied, “A barbaric remark from a disgusting man. Besides, they are insulting our cheese? Theirs comes from badger milk. And there is no way there cheese is better than ours… after all, it’s a state law in Vermont that for at least five minutes per day, dairy manufacturers have to pet each cow.”

These exchanges continued and hostilities increased between the states until one day, Vermont police pulled over a caravan driving into the state of heated trucks filled with old cheese from Texas. The cheese containers had labels that read “Real Vermont Cheese Stinks” and interrogation of the drivers revealed they had planned Checkpointon putting this cheese on grocery store shelves across Vermont.
Wisconsin then posted check points at their borders and on the very first day arrested a spy attempting to smuggle in fermentation mix that would have made the Wisconsin cheese taste like cough medicine.

A month later, the advertising company that prints Vermont cheese ads was hacked and ads went out all over the state showing people vomiting from their cheese. About the same time, the FBI raided a house in Wisconsin with a printing press that was making unauthorized copies of “Wisconsin Cheese” stickers which the employees were planning to attach to cans of spray Cheez Whiz all over the state.


After the football incident, the White House released a statement that President Obama is dispatching negotiators to help calm the situation. “We must have law and order surrounding the production of this important resource in our nation. Hostility must cease immediately. Besides, Illinois has the best cheese.” With that, protesters from Wisconsin and Vermont began rallying outside the White House to defend their State’s honor.

California Governor Jerry Brown today put in his two cents stating, “I agree that hostilities must cease and I’m also glad California isn’t involved in this. Besides, we have the best cheese. Let’s be honest, if you were a cow, would you rather live in sunny California or landlocked on boring endless fields of Wisconsin or Vermont? We treat our cows like family.”

California Cows




Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

Martian Wars

Water on MarsWater on Mars 2

Today, NASA announced that they found water on Mars.  The water is in a very salty mixture and actually flows under certain conditions (as you can see in the photos above).  Then NASA announced a mission in the future to send a spacecraft to Mars that will drill underground & analyze what they find.  I just hope the drill bit doesn’t come up with fur on it.

Maybe when the atmosphere on Mars blew away, the remaining water seeped into the soil, and even underground, and then the remaining life burrowed underground with it.  Thus now Mars is actually a planet of groundhogs, mice, bugs and mole-people living in vast subterraneous caverns.  So one “day” they are all just sitting down to a nice dinner of sautéed Martian cockroaches, talking about their adventures and minding their own business when our equipment drills into one of the mole people.  Suddenly their society of underground dwellers gets pissed off and finds a way to come to Earth to start an interplanetary war.

Remember the Ewoks from Star Wars? We all thought they were lame, and many of us wouldn’t care if we drilled into an Ewok, but maybe that’s whats underground on Mars…teddy-bear-like Martian mole people ready to rise up and attack.



Posted in Uncategorized

Top 111 Movies

Top 111 Movies….with no pretense, just great films
– Listed alphabetically because the order depends on one’s mood
– The “The’s” are in the “The” section

A Midsummer Night’s Dream (1999)
Ace Ventura Pet Detective
Along Came Polly
American Beauty
Apollo 13
…And Justice for All
Back to the Future
Belle Epoch
Being John Malkovich
Bull Durham
Casino Royale (2006)
Cool Hand Luke
Dances with Wolves
Dead Poets Society
Doctor Zhivago
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Elizabeth (1998)
Enchanted April
Erin Brockovich
Falling Down
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Forrest Gump
Good Will Hunting
Groundhog Day
Heartbreakers (2001)
Hulk (2003)
I, Robot
It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World
It’s a Wonderful Life
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Jerry Maguire
Kiss of the Dragon (2001)
Liar Liar
Lord of the Flies
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Mister Roberts
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Much Ado About Nothing (1993)
My Man Godfrey (1936)
Office Space
Postcards from the Edge
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Rain Man
Rear Window
Reversal of Fortune
Roman Holiday
Saving Private Ryan
Saving Silverman
Schindler’s List
School of Rock
Shakespeare in Love
Stalag 17
Star Trek: First Contact
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Wars – Episode I
Star Wars – Episode II
Star Wars – Episode IV
Star Wars – Episode V
Sunset Boulevard
The Apartment
The Bad News Bears
The Big Lebowski
The Birdcage
The Blues Brothers
The Bourne Identity
The Bourne Supremacy
The Bourne Ultimatum
The Cider House Rules
The Dark Knight
The Fifth Element
The Front Page (1974)
The Game
The Graduate
The Hunt for Red October
The Magnificent Seven (1960)
The Matrix
The Omen (1976)
The Princess Bride
The Rainmaker (1956)
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)
The Shining (1980)
The Silence of the Lambs
The Sting
The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)
The Three Musketeers (1993)
The Truman Show
The Usual Suspects
Tin Cup
Uncle Buck
When Harry Met Sally
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Young Frankenstein
Zero Effect

Posted in Uncategorized

Approaching Pluto

Pluto on July-8-2015 - Best pic so farOn July 8th, 2015 NASA released this photo taken of Pluto from the spacecraft named New Horizons on the previous day.  (As an update to this post, a sharper photo taken days later during the Pluto Flyby is posted below).  At this point, New Horizons is about 5 million miles from Pluto and will get there in 6 days…. so it’s moving at a good clip.  I never thought I would see this in my lifetime.  For that matter, I never thought I would see vehicles on Mars and the vacation photos they are sending back.  Its all incredible to me and I thank the people at NASA for this.

Pluto has a weird orbit but at present it is about 3 billion miles from Earth.  Any signal that NASA sends to the spacecraft (which travels at the speed of light) takes about 4.5 hours to get there and of course photos or information sent back takes the same time.  So for NASA to get results of instructions sent to New Horizons, it takes 9 hours.

Pluto orbit - from above and from the side (17° angle)

Pluto orbit – from above and from the side (17° angle)

I saw someone online state that we are the first people in Earth’s history to be able to see up-close images of all the planets in the solar system (yes, they are including Pluto as a planet since that was convention when we were born).  That fact though amazed me.  It made me think of what people being born today might think growing up.  To them, all this will be standard knowledge.  To me, people being on the moon was conventional knowledge and before that, many people thought none of this would ever be possible.  Future generations will of course look to explore further.  That is how technology and science move forward…new people.  What will they explore?  The Oort Cloud (if there is one)?  What must beings on other planets know about the universe?  Way more than us?  Do they explore space at all?  Can they explore space?  Do they have satellites already exploring other solar systems?  Could we be the most technologically advanced race in the universe?  I suppose its possible.  Who knows.

New Horizons is moving about 36,000 mph and so it travels about 864,000 miles per day…and it has taken 9.5 years to get to Pluto from Earth.  To go that fast and to conserve fuel, New Horizons had to be slung-shot around Jupiter using Jupiter’s gravity.  In doing that, it increased its speed by about 9,000 mph to about 51,000 mph.  You might notice that it has slowed down.  Why?  The gravitational pull from the Sun.Pluto Encounter


In addition to a couple of cameras, there are instruments on board measuring space dust, plasma and high-energy particles.  Pluto was discovered in February 1930 by an American named Clyde W. Tombaugh.  He noticed a small dot in a different place on two photographs of the stars that he took.  The photos are below.

New Horizons long range camera being installed

New Horizons long range camera being installed

New HorizonDust Counter

New Horizons – Dust Counter

New Horizons Plasma Analyzer

New Horizons Plasma Analyzer




New Horizons - Ralph - a color camera - Ralph was designed after a camera on the Pluto satellite named Alice. Get it?  The Honeymooners

New Horizons – Ralph – a color camera – Ralph was designed after a camera on the Pluto satellite named Alice.  Get it?  Like The Honeymooners


Pluto discovery plates

Pluto discovery plates


Pluto - high res - released 7-25-2015

Pluto – high res – released 7-25-2015


Posted in Our Society, Science & Nature

The Sport of Golf? A Few Suggested Tweaks

Robert Allenby of Australia hits out of the bunker on the 17th green during the third round of the Sony Open golf tournament at Waialae Country Club in Honolulu, Hawaii.I love how golfers pretend that they are athletes. Sure, they talk a good shtick about their frustrations and tribulations, but then they travel around the golf course in carts. When they get to their ball, which is resting on freshly cut grass in a plot of land designed to be relaxing, they have caddies carry their clubs over and even suggest which club to use. And if the ball goes in the water, they just get a new ball. This is a sport?

GolferAssuming the average par is 4, and one putt per hole, then they only swing their clubs 54 times per entire round (not including all the impressive, thoughtful and macho looking practice swings before actually hitting the ball). Please, tell me what is athletic about this game. It’s a game that old people play. Do golfers want to be athletic about it? How about they carry their own fucking clubs and jog the course. Maybe at the beginning of each hole, the golfers can fight it out to see who goes first. Of course, knowing them, they would make their caddies do the fighting.

hiking-trail-huashan-mountain-china-1Here is an idea: Someone should make a golf course in the Himalayas or the Sahara or a swamp. If the golfers are going to be pussies about the rest of the game, the least they could do is fight the elements. If the golfers can keep from falling down a ravine or avoid a 100 foot deep desert sand trap, then I might be interested in watching. If they can battle Antarctic winds or even find their ball in a snow drift, that would be something.  Maybe if they had to hack their ball out of a forest or battle alligators in a Louisiana swamp, I would have some respect for them. In the meantime, what else is on TV? Oh, Caddyshack!

Par 3 - Alligators

Sand Dune

Posted in Our Society, Uncategorized

8 / 7 Central – C’mon Central Time, Just Be Yourself

US Time ZonesI saw a commercial the other day for a TV show and it stated that the show starts at 8 / 7 Central. So everyone sees the show at 8 except for the Central Time people who essentially see the TV shows at the same moment that the East Coasters do.


Why do the Central Time people have to watch TV with the East Coasters? Are they lonely? Are they insecure? Gotta pretend to be East Coasters? You don’t see the Mountain Time people changing their schedule or the Pacific Time people changing their schedule. I guess the Central Timers want to be East Coast Time People when they grow up. They should just accept the fact that they aren’t East Coasters. Be yourself CT peeps. It’s ok.

Maybe Congress should pass a law forcing the entire Central time population to go see therapists. Of course, the therapists in Central Time are also Central Time people so the law should require that the therapists should have to be outside Central Time. That would really boost the economy too wouldn’t it? They are forcing us to buy health insurance with no price regulations on it, right? Why not force us to see therapists too and then force us to travel to other states?

Red and Blue StatesHere is an interesting fact: If you look at the map of political party support, you will see that the Republicans dominate in the Central Time Zone. Maybe that is why Republicans are so mean and angry…They don’t like watching TV on someone else’s time. Its a psychological reaction. They are being forced into a way of being that’s not them (and they don’t talk about it…they are kind of living in the closet).  Maybe getting their time zone to have their own TV viewing time will fix Middle USA.

Bottom line, this 8/7 Central thing is what’s ruining America. How about the TV networks stop coddling and reinforcing these Central Time people insecurities and get them on their own TV time. Maybe we can avoid the forced therapy after all and people will start believing in themselves more. Maybe letting the Central Time people be themselves, will help heal our country. Amazing that all our problems in America come down to the TV viewing hours dictated to the Central Time Zone. Well, this has been an interesting sociological study on what started out as a comedic vent.


Posted in Our Society, Uncategorized

Creative Use of Technology

Transporter PadScientists are working on developing teleportation, the idea from Star Trek where people can be “beamed” from the spaceship to the planet surface or anywhere else. Instead of sitting in traffic, you could avoid it all and beam yourself to work. Instead of driving to the airport and going through the huge hassle that is, beaming yourself overseas would just take a few seconds. Avoiding travel time and the stress of travel is great, but I think there is another use for teleportation that would be a huge benefit to especially one sect of our population. Pregnant women. Can you imagine? No more long, painful births filled with blood loss, massive doses of anesthetic that can be harmful to the mother and the child, not to mention horrible muscle contractions, tearing of all sorts of things and even trauma to the baby. Just get Scotty in the control room, lock on the fetus and …..beam it out.

Update:  Great comment below that I am adding – “If the technology was refined enough maybe we could “beam out” other things such as tumors or shrapnel.”

beam me out

Posted in Our Society, Science & Nature | 1 Comment