It’ll Cure What Ails Ya

After the car accident Debi had back and leg pain for months. She went to all sorts of doctors, physical therapists, chiropractors, massage therapists, Chinese medicine practitioners and alternative medicine gurus but none were of any help. She even tried leech therapy and bee sting therapy. Nothing worked. The pain and stress were making her depressed and if that wasn’t bad enough, in the last week she was starting to get sick and even develop a sinus infection. In an effort to get her away from it all and relax, her friends talked her into go camping, something she had never done.

She liked being in the campsite, surrounded by trees, listening to the birds by day, the crickets by nights and breathing in the fresh air. She and the others had a nice meal cooked over a campfire and they followed it up by toasting marshmallows on the ends of sticks. They eventually retired for the evening. Debi was enjoying her time but she was still in pain.

It took hours to doze off; being in that much pain made it difficult to sleep. In the middle of the night, Debi awoke to find a porcupine in her tent. She screamed and jostled around and, long story short, yes she got quilled. Her friends woke up and saw the porcupine running into the forest. They rushed to her tent and saw Debi covered with needles. In addition to hoping she was ok, they all thought the same thing, that on top of it all, her weekend in the woods was a disaster. But then Debi looked at them and said, “Oh my god, all my leg and back pain is gone. Plus I feel completely relaxed. Even my sinuses opened up.”

 

 

 

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Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

Eternity

Customer – I’d like to pick up my prescription. 

Employee (he always speaks in a monotone) – What’s the last name?

C – Smith

E – There are a number of Smiths. First name?

C – Jean

E – Is that with a J or a G?

C – J

E – Ok. J-e-a-n?

C – Yes, Jean. 

E – Ok. Here it is. 

C – Thanks. I have a question. 

E – Ok

C – Do I have to eat food with this?

E – It’s on the stickers on the bottle. 

C – (she looks) Oh. Can I also get some Sudafed?

E – Sure. 24?  48?

C – What do you mean?

E – The number of pills

C – Oh. 24.

E – Ok.

(the line of customers is growing)

C – Oh and a package of Nicorette. 

E – Which flavor?

C – Uh, orange. 

E – Which size?

C – The larger one. 

E – Ok. Anything else.

C – No, thats all.

E – Ok. Please run your ID trough the machine. (She runs the card, the machine does nothing) Can you try it faster? (She runs the card. The machine beeps.) It says you have bought too much Sudafed this month so I can’t sell you this.

C – There is a limit?

E – Yes. 

C – Since when?

E – For as long as I can remember. 

C – Says who?

E – The government. 

C – Oh. Well I didn’t get that much.

(People in line are fidgeting.)

E – It says you did ma’am.  I’m just telling you what it’s telling me.

C – Can you override it?

E – No. I have to do what the machine says.

C – Fine. 

E – We have this other kind. 

C – No, it doesn’t work. 

E – Ok. Is there anything else?

C – No.

E – Ok. So for the rest, is it cash or credit. 

C – (Fishing through her purse and taking things out one by one). Uh, is this card ok?

E – Yes. Please swipe it. 

C – Same machine?

E – Yes. (She runs the card) I’m sorry, the card is declined. Do you have another card?

C – Oh, uh (she fishes through her purse again). Let’s try this one. (She runs the card)

E – Declined. 

C – Do you take debit?

E – Yes. (She runs the card) Declined. 

C – Oh. Now what. 

E – Do you have cash?

C – Yes. But (she goes through her purse) not enough. 

E – Ok, what would you like to remove?

C – How about the cat nips and the kale chips.

E – Ok. Do you have enough for this?

C – Still short. Uh, also remove the aromatherapy machine and the aromatherapy essential oils. 

(the people in line are fidgeting and getting upset) 

…and the herbal tea and the magazine. I really wanted to see what’s up with the last bachelorette too. 

E – Sorry. 

C – Oh by the way, do you take this discount card?

E – Yes. 

C – Oh good. Now I can add the magazine and the cat nips back. (Fishing through her wallet) Did you give me my license back?

E – I never took it ma’am. You just ran it through the machine.

C – (she searches through her purse) Oh here it is.

(1st customer in the line) – Lady please. I have to get out of here. 

C – Don’t be rude. 

1 – How much are you short. I’ll pay the difference. 

C – No thank you. Uh here. Is this enough?

E – Its 50 cents short. 

(She fumbles around her purse)

C – Oh, I found another two dollars. 

E – Ok

C – It was wadded up in the corner of my purse. 

E – Great.

C – Oh wait. I want a bag of potato chips. (She runs off to look for it. Everyone in line is upset) Where are the chips?

E – Isle 4 

(She goes to isle 4)

C – Uh…

E – On the right in the middle

C – Oh, here they are 

(Everyone in line mumbles “yea.”)

(She returns) Oh can you double bag it?

E – Yes that’s 10 cents per bag. (He enters it in the cash register)

C – Oh, wait then I’m short again. 

1 – I’ll pay

C – Shush. 

E – It’s ok ma’am. No charge.

C – oh, that’s very nice of you. Thank you.

(She leaves. The cashier takes a dollar out of his pocket, puts it in the register and takes the change.)

E – Next.

1 – Finally. I’m picking up a prescription.

E – Name. 

1 – Burgess

E – Donald?

1 – Right

E – Ok. Your insurance card was rejected. Do you have another?

 

 

Posted in Dialog-y, Stories & Creative Writing

By Any Other Name

 

– Hi, uh
– Janine.
– Yes Janine.
– You know, you never remember my name. That’s really insulting. You need to work on that. I’m Janine Marshall.
– No you aren’t.
– Excuse me?
– YOU are my neighbor who drives a Honda Civic, who moved here with her husband and son two years ago from New Jersey, who grows tomatoes on the side of her house, who walks around with coffee cups like she is in a cocktail party, who doesn’t realize that her son is planting marijuana in the gutters, who does yoga with her friend in the front yard because she wants everyone to notice them, who hires a dog walker even though she doesn’t have a job or any type of commitment because she doesn’t want to be seen picking up the dog poop, who dyes her hair…regularly. You are a culmination of your experiences and your actions. You are NOT your name. Do you know anything about me?
– Yes DAVE
– Oh? What?
– (Pause) I don’t want to have this conversation.
– Yeah. And you think I am insulting. YOU should work on THAT.

 

Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

How to Stop a Politician from Lying

Once a person submits forms to run for political office, they should, at that moment, be required to tell the truth (and thus subject to felony perjury laws) for all information released to the public during the time period campaigning and into public office if they are elected. This “truth clause” on the forms will be repeated when they take the oath of office. It will also be given to cabinet heads and people directing government departments.

Political lies usually revolve around favors and payoffs amd these things undermine our democracy. No longer will we have to accept their lies, and wait until they have to be sworn in before a judge or political body, for them to be bound to tell the truth under penalty of perjury. If they are representing others, plus conveying ideas and facts to them, then they should be legally bound to convey it all truthfully. Since they are able to change laws in our society and directly affect our ability to survive in the society, they should be bound to the truth.

This will curtail corruption too. Can you believe our elected representatives make decisions on our health and financial survival and lie to us about what they are doing or submit false information as reasons to make those decisions?  If a doctor or financial advisor was caught doing that, they would be ejected from their profession and possibly imprisoned. So should happen to a politician. People have been complaining about politicians lying to us for centuries. Why shouldn’t they have to be truthful?

Posted in Our Society

The Trumps, After the Fall

Donald Trump is listening to Congress on C-SPAN.

“The House votes to impeach.”

DT–  (trump is eating Mcdonald’s hamburgers from a cart). Screw this, I won’t resign.  I am not a crook!  Besides, I have to give Alaska to Russia or Putin will have my ass.  I wonder what the tv ratings for the impeachment were.
Ivanka– Daddy, I’m complicit but I think you should quit.
DT– I’ll be ok Muffin. You know what?  I’m going to get you a tiara and me a crown.
Ivanka – Yea!
DT – Who’s your daddy?
Ivanka – You are!
DT – Who is?
Ivanka – You are my daddy.
DT – That’s right honey pie.

DT writes a tweet – How dare you people. The FBI is run by Obama. This is a set up based on fake news. Hillary is behind this too. I am the true ruler of America and you will do as I say.

After a Senate debate: “The senate votes to convict.”

DT–  This is what I get for letting people think.  I should have destroyed the school system faster.  I wonder what the tv ratings for all this were. (Someone wheels in a cart with pizza and doughnuts on it) Oh good, my mid-morning snack

Officers show up to arrest Trump.
Officer – “Mr. Trump, we are here to arrest you.”
(Trump grabs a donught and runs.)
Ivanka yells – (she sounds like Jenny in Forrest Gump) Run daddy, run!  Be complicit!
(Trump gets away via a secret passage behind a bookcase.)
DT– They’ll never find me. (Show footage of a fleet of police cars following a white Bronco a la the OJ Simpson chase scene but eventually trump gets away.)
DT– Hee Hee!

DT goes to live in a rotted out building he owned in the slums in NY. He begs for money on the street. People don’t realize he’s trump underneath the rags.
A person walking by says – nice trump wig.
DT (groans then in Tourette like babble) – Strip club! Microwave! Obama! Putin!  (Someone else gives him a quarter and he snaps out of it) Ooo I have money!  I’m getting rich here. I’ll make my way back. Who can I call. Rudi Giuliani owes me one.
(Someone puts money in DT’s can).
DT- “Hey can I give you $5 instead? I need to pee on someone” (they run)  Oh c’mon!
(He starts babbling again.)
I know , I’ll call Kelley Anne. She’ll do anything for money

By coincidence, Ivanka also shows up to live in the rotted out building. There are fast food wrappers all over the floor.
Ivanka – Daddy! (They hug.) Oh daddy, the IRS took trump tower and my car. (DT – Bastards!) My clothing line went bankrupt (DT– well you are a trump) Jared’s in jail, uncle Steve is in jail. They are cell mates btw and they are not getting along. Oh, and the Chinese are looking for Eric and Don Jr after the government revoked the citizenships they sold.
DT – They didnt give the money back, did they?
Ivanka – No, they spent it all
DT – On what?
Ivanka – Hookers, pizza and now plastic surgery.
DT – Oh. Good kids.
Ivanka – Melania is happy though; she’s writing a book about you. (DT – Whatever) On top of everything, no one will let me back into my office in the White House. (She’s crying). What am I going to do?
DT– Don’t worry baby doll, you can sleep with me. (They hug). But first, I need some supplies. Can you go to the store for me?
Ivanka– Sure daddy. What do you want?
DT– Some hair bleach and orange makeup. Oh! And donuts. Lots of donuts.
Ivanka – Of course daddy. I’m complicit. Be right back.
(She leaves and the FBI agents see her (they have been following her). They call in DT’s location.)

Lots of agents show up. The FBI storms in
Officer – We’ve got you now Trumpsky!
(DT runs but not fast.  His rags fall off as he runs and he is dressed in white tidy whities and a white t- shirt.  As they wrestle him to the ground he says), “No, let go! I won! I’m the president!  Give me a donut. I beat Hillary! I have to make America great again!  This time I’ll tell the truth. I swear!”

The FBI throws him in prison.

DT in prison – Damn Obama!
A transvestite prisoner says – oh Don Don, my big orange cupcake, follow me. Some of the fellas want to give you a golden shower.
DT pauses and then agreeingly shrugs his shoulders and walks off with him.

 

 

Posted in Dialog-y, Our Society, Stories & Creative Writing

Death at a Farm

image

Dave was killed recently in a stampede at his farm.  The thing is, it was a poultry farm.  Up until then, the chickens all seemed really happy; they were free range, fed organically and treated with respect and care.  But one day, screaming was heard coming from the hen house.  It wasn’t Dave though.  It was a chicken battle cry.

The trouble started when Dave went to get an egg from a nest; the mother hen started squawking and flapping her wings. Before you knew it all her brethren were coming to her rescue. Dave’s kid, Todd, said he couldn’t even get close to his dad in the chicken riot. It was all a vortex of feathers and deafening chicken screams.

When it was all over, Dave was found lifeless on the ground with peck marks and chicken feet scratches all over him.  “I never knew chickens were so vicious,” Todd said between the tears.

The funeral was nice.  People had good things to say about Dave.  The reception was also pleasant and the food was fantastic. They had Chicken Parmesan, Chicken Cordon Bleu, rotisserie chicken, Chicken Kiev, Chicken Satay, lemon chicken, barbecued chicken, chicken noodle soup, chicken kabobs, chicken burritos, chicken salad sandwiches, chicken casserole, Buffalo chicken wings, creamy garlic chicken, Ceasar salad with chicken, Chicken Marsala, Chicken Creole and some delicious Chicken Shawarma.

Dave’s wife, Nancy, said they will restart the business but will build smaller hen houses, install electric security fences and maybe add a pet wolf.

 

Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

Do The Math

Rose BowlThis thought occurred to me recently so I looked up some information on the Internet and did the math. No, this article isn’t about equations and you don’t have to do any math. The Rose Bowl enters into the picture later. Try to get past the shock of this next sentence; the article isn’t as disgusting as it implies.

The normal adult bladder can hold about 500ml. This is about 16 oz or 1 pint. (Maybe that’s why they call kids “half pint?”)  Also, apparently people pee between 6 and 8 times per day (more if they drink a lot like my college roommate) but we are a healthy society (achemmm…) and to make the math easy, let’s say 8.

So, 1 pint times 8 pees (and there are 8 pints per gallon) means we pee about a gallon of urine per day. A gallon. Multiply that by 365 days per year and an average lifespan of 69 years and it comes to about 25,000 gallons of urine in our lifetimes. Wow. Be kind to your kidneys. They are your friends.

Now let’s look at it a different way. The world population is estimated at 7.49 billion people. That means the world just composed of people (no dogs or birds or lions or bears or fish) urinated 7.49 billion gallons EACH DAY! Holy cow (no cows either). I’m amazed that the planet recycles that much pee every day.

So how much is 7.49 billion gallons? Is there something comparable in size that we could visualize?  Online information states that Lake Erie is 127.6 trillion gallons so that’s way too large.  Lake Tahoe is 39 trillion so that’s also too much.  The Niagara Falls website states that every second 757,500 gallons of water goes over the falls.  Per day that comes to 65.45 billion gallons.  That’s closer.  We humans of the world reach that Niagara Falls daily amount in 11.4 days.

Let’s try this: How would 7.49B gallons compare to the volume of a stadium? I picked one and looked it up – the Rose Bowl. Surprisingly there isn’t a lot of information about the Rose Bowl’s volume online, but one place said its about 20 million cubic feet. That equals about 149.6 million gallons. Divide 7.49 billion into that and you get 50.07 Rose Bowls. Let’s call it a smidge over 50. So the world population pees enough, each day, to fill a smidge over 50 Rose Bowl Stadiums. And yes, that comes to about 18,274 stadiums per year of human pee that is released on the world.

No more math, I won’t calculate what percentage of water that is on Earth or how long it would take to replace the Pacific Ocean, but that the Earth recycles this much pee daily is pretty impressive. Also, it makes you wonder what exactly is in the rain.

There, that wasn’t so disgusting, right?

 

 

Posted in Science & Nature, Stories & Creative Writing