Death at a Farm


Dave was killed recently in a stampede at his farm.  The thing is, it was a poultry farm.  Up until then, the chickens all seemed really happy; they were free range, fed organically and treated with respect and care.  But one day, screaming was heard coming from the hen house.  It wasn’t Dave though.  It was a chicken battle cry.

The trouble started when Dave went to get an egg from a nest; the mother hen started squawking and flapping her wings. Before you knew it all her brethren were coming to her rescue. Dave’s kid, Todd, said he couldn’t even get close to his dad in the chicken riot. It was all a vortex of feathers and deafening chicken screams.

When it was all over, Dave was found lifeless on the ground with peck marks and chicken feet scratches all over him.  “I never knew chickens were so vicious,” Todd said between the tears.

The funeral was nice.  People had good things to say about Dave.  The reception was also pleasant and the food was fantastic. They had Chicken Parmesan, Chicken Cordon Bleu, rotisserie chicken, Chicken Kiev, Chicken Satay, lemon chicken, barbecued chicken, chicken noodle soup, chicken kabobs, chicken burritos, chicken salad sandwiches, chicken casserole, Buffalo chicken wings, creamy garlic chicken, Ceasar salad with chicken, Chicken Marsala, Chicken Creole and some delicious Chicken Shawarma.  Dave’s wife, Nancy, said they will restart the business but will build smaller hen houses, install electric security fences and maybe add a pet wolf.


Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

Do The Math

Rose BowlThis thought occurred to me recently so I looked up some information on the Internet and did the math. No, this article isn’t about equations and you don’t have to do any math. The Rose Bowl enters into the picture later. Try to get past the shock of this next sentence; the article isn’t as disgusting as it implies.

The normal adult bladder can hold about 500ml. This is about 16 oz or 1 pint. (Maybe that’s why they call kids “half pint?”)  Also, apparently people pee between 6 and 8 times per day (more if they drink a lot like my college roommate) but we are a healthy society (achemmm…) and to make the math easy, let’s say 8.

So, 1 pint times 8 pees (and there are 8 pints per gallon) means we pee about a gallon of urine per day. A gallon. Multiply that by 365 days per year and an average lifespan of 69 years and it comes to about 25,000 gallons of urine in our lifetimes. Wow. Be kind to your kidneys. They are your friends.

Now let’s look at it a different way. The world population is estimated at 7.49 billion people. That means the world just composed of people (no dogs or birds or lions or bears or fish) urinated 7.49 billion gallons EACH DAY! Holy cow (no cows either). I’m amazed that the planet recycles that much pee every day.

So how much is 7.49 billion gallons? Is there something comparable in size that we could visualize?  Online information states that Lake Erie is 127.6 trillion gallons so that’s way too large.  Lake Tahoe is 39 trillion so that’s also too much.  The Niagara Falls website states that every second 757,500 gallons of water goes over the falls.  Per day that comes to 65.45 billion gallons.  That’s closer.  We humans of the world reach that Niagara Falls daily amount in 11.4 days.

Let’s try this: How would 7.49B gallons compare to the volume of a stadium? I picked one and looked it up – the Rose Bowl. Surprisingly there isn’t a lot of information about the Rose Bowl’s volume online, but one place said its about 20 million cubic feet. That equals about 149.6 million gallons. Divide 7.49 billion into that and you get 50.07 Rose Bowls. Let’s call it a smidge over 50. So the world population pees enough, each day, to fill a smidge over 50 Rose Bowl Stadiums. And yes, that comes to about 18,274 stadiums per year of human pee that is released on the world.

No more math, I won’t calculate what percentage of water that is on Earth or how long it would take to replace the Pacific Ocean, but that the Earth recycles this much pee daily is pretty impressive. Also, it makes you wonder what exactly is in the rain.

There, that wasn’t so disgusting, right?



Posted in Science & Nature, Stories & Creative Writing

Candidate Checklist

Politicians and their advisors excel at  clouding issues that they want to avoid and diverting your attention.  Elections are job interviews, not popularity contests.  Next election cycle, fill out this form (PDF at link) for each candidate so you are not swayed by their well worded BS and you have all the facts in front of you.

—>  candidate-checklist







Posted in Uncategorized

A Driving Navigation App My Mom Would Like

The other day I was driving somewhere and using a navigation app. At one point it told me to get in the left hand lane but the traffic was heavy, plus there was a truck next to me so I couldn’t.  When I was close to the turn and still in the right hand lane, the voice on the app started screaming at me. “Hey!  Listen to me!  I said 3 minutes ago to get in the left hand lane.  You are going to miss the turn!  What are you doing?!” I felt like my mother was in the car. Needless to say I missed the turn and then it told me to pull over and stop.  I don’t know why but I did. Then it really opened up on me. It called me a couple of mean names and said that if I wasn’t going to listen, then why bother asking it for directions.  Suddenly I felt like I was still married.  I was so stressed out as it was insulting me that I started crying…and I didn’t notice that a police officer had pulled up behind me. He got out of the car, walked up to my window, saw me crying and asked if I was OK. I told him that my driving app was yelling at me and he had me get out of the car and take a sobriety test. Yes I was sober. Afterwards, I deleted the app. Next time I will look up the directions ahead of time and write them down.

traffic stop




Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

Stuff We Never Think About

• When King Kong was in New York City, what did they do with his poop?
• If Febreze gets out odors, then why doesn’t it get out its own odor?
• I wonder how many dogs hear their owners having sex on a regular basis and sit there in the dark thinking “this is so unfair.”
• Did the dermatologist leave this magazine out so I would catch something and have to come back in a few weeks?
• How do people contract herpes of the eye?
• Why don’t lions just wait till the heard of gazelle fall asleep? All that chasing and jumping and risk of injury. Why bother?
• Why do they televise car races? — Look! They are going around the track again!
• I wonder if people had long make out sessions before toothpaste was invented.
• Do doctors check for a pulse before performing an autopsy?
• If Deepak Chopra’s name was Dave Smith, would anyone listen to what he says?
• Did the chef who prepared my meal have a runny nose from the steam?
• Has anyone ever done a study of people’s facial expressions as they walk out of the bathroom?
• How do they make “recycled toilet paper?”
• There is a scientific, evolutionary theory that states when humans’ jaws got smaller, it allowed our brains to get bigger.  So then humans with big mouths, had small brains.  I think that explains politicians.  Could people that run for office be a random outcropping of ancient inferior DNA?



Posted in Our Society, Stories & Creative Writing

Astrology, The Drinking Game

GroundhogThere are only a few real holidays. Thanksgiving, Veterans and Memorial Days, Martin Luther King Day, Independence Day… and Groundhog Day. Did you ever see the movie Groundhog Day?  There was a great quote from it: “This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.”

I wonder if 1000 years from now, people will think that we actually used to use animals’ shadows to predict the weather. It’s like how in the same way, we now think 1000 years ago they actually believed that connecting the little white dots in the night sky gave predictions of one’s future events in their lives and their personalities. Yeah, I’m talking about astrology. In reality though in ancient China, “Astrology” was probably just the name of a drinking game. I can imagine the scene in my head now: Five to ten villagers are sitting around a fire at night, drinking their home made bathtub whiskey, telling stories and laughing. Then silence falls upon the group. A minute later, one points up at the dark sky and yells, “Hey, I see a goat!” And the rest of them yell, “Drink!!!”

campfire pointing to the sky



Posted in Our Society, Stories & Creative Writing

Sex, The First Time (and I don’t mean me)

Long long ago, far far back in time, sex didn’t exist yet. Living beings just grew and self-divided into two copies. But then at some point, two living creatures on Earth were the first to ever have sex. What inspired the first living beings on Earth to have sex? I know,cyanobacteria that’s a loaded question. Those first two beings weren’t human. They weren’t monkeys or dogs or birds or dinosaurs or spiders or fish or clams or plants or amoebae. They were bacteria. This is a known scientific fact.  Scientists say bacteria invented sex 1.2 billion years ago. Invented sex. It was a way to exchange DNA and pass traits on which would make them more able to survive.

1.2 billion years is a long time. But think about this, life existed for another 2.5 billion years before that. 2.5 billion years that life was on Earth and none of it was having sex. I’m amazed that it took them 2.5 billion years to figure it out. Could you imagine doing Twinsthe same reproductive act for 2.5 billion years? Not to mention, it is an act which involved splitting yourself in half. A bunch of single-celled organisms floating around, self-reproducing by splitting themselves in half, for 2.5 billion years. That would suck. Especially since, as we know, doing it yourself is just not the same. I guess after 2.5 billion years, I would be frustrated enough to try something new too.

The instinctual desire for a DNA-swap must have been building for a long, long time…millions of years. And I bet, unknown to each bacterium, the other bacteria were also hoping someone would stick their DNA into them. For the sake of discussion, I am assuming it was a mutual decision. But how to do it? I wonder if there was any courting that happened too or did the two bacteria just bump into each other, throw caution to the wind and get down to it right then and there. In fact, maybe it wasn’t two at a time. Maybe after the word spread, bacteria had a mass orgy going 24/7. Oh, to be a bacterium.

But while sex and the mass orgy are great ideas, bacteria don’t have ideas. So I am wondering, what would possess a living being to create sex? When no one was having sex and it had never been done before, when it wasn’t even an idea, what would possess something to have to get inside another….to stick it into them? And bacteria didn’t just invent sex, they invented the mechanics, the “pilus.” And yes, it kind of works the same way as the human one. I guess man’s “pilus” is nature’s way of confirming the old adage: if something works, don’t fix it. If bacteria could talk, I would imagine one saying to the other, “Give me that big pilus of yours.” Maybe the 2.5 billion sexless years is how much time it took to figure out how to grow a pilus.

I can’t create a pilus. All I can do is use the one I was given. Granted, I use it well but it’s not like it’s in the media or women are talking about it. If I could create them, I would have 4 or 5. Wouldn’t that make for fun nights.

Do bacteria have orgasms?  I assumed a living being required a complex system of nerves to have an orgasm and that is what would have led to the invention of sex.  But bacteria don’t have complex nervous systems so maybe an orgasm was just an unexpected fringe benefit.  However I refuse to believe the invention of sex was purely was logical so something must feel good to a bacterium about sticking it to another bacterium.  Do bacteria feel?

As we, humans, grow up, we learn about sex, we hear about sex, we see things everywhere implying sex, and then we instinctually imitate. It’s just like how we learn to talk or how parents that smoke tend to have kids that smoke no matter how much they tell their kids not to smoke. Monkey see monkey do. Of course, with sex, there is sexual desire too. That desire has been programmed into us throughout all the previous humans and the previous living beings in our pili-and-conjugationfamily tree that were having and desiring sex for billions of years. But again, at some point there was that first being.

I keep wanting life to be easy, but it’s not. We all have to fight for our survival. Bacteria have to fight for survival too. Instead of that bacterium though fighting or consuming another bacterium, why did it want to fuck it? If it had a thought, I assume it would be like this….“Hey, this has never been done before, so I don’t know why I want to do this, but I am so going to create a thing to stick in this other being and inject my DNA into it. Sounds like fun!” It wasn’t a conscious thought though because they don’t have thoughts. It had to be some sort of instinct.

The sex drive of bacteria is not just a biological adaptation to exchange traits to make themselves stronger and more able to adapt to the environment,Man Begging a Woman but it’s also a way to repair their damaged DNA thanks to their naturally weak defenses to all sorts of toxins and threats in the environment. In essence, bacteria have sex to save their lives. Think about that reality ladies the next time a guy uses a line like it’s going to kill him if you don’t sleep with him. There may actually be a genetic predisposition in him to feel like that (although it’s in a slightly different way than the bacteria).





Posted in Science & Nature, Stories & Creative Writing