By Any Other Name

 

– Hi, uh
– Janine.
– Yes Janine.
– You know, you never remember my name. That’s really insulting. You need to work on that. I’m Janine Marshall.
– No you aren’t.
– Excuse me?
– YOU are my neighbor who drives a Honda Civic, who moved here with her husband and son two years ago from New Jersey, who grows tomatoes on the side of her house, who walks around with coffee cups like she is in a cocktail party, who doesn’t realize that her son is planting marijuana in the gutters, who does yoga with her friend in the front yard because she wants everyone to notice them, who hires a dog walker even though she doesn’t have a job or any type of commitment because she doesn’t want to be seen picking up the dog poop, who dyes her hair…regularly. You are a culmination of your experiences and your actions. You are NOT your name. Do you know anything about me?
– Yes DAVE
– Oh? What?
– (Pause) I don’t want to have this conversation.
– Yeah. And you think I am insulting. YOU should work on THAT.

 

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Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

How to Stop a Politician from Lying

Once a person submits forms to run for political office, they should, at that moment, be required to tell the truth (and thus subject to felony perjury laws) for all information released to the public during the time period campaigning and into public office if they are elected. This “truth clause” on the forms will be repeated when they take the oath of office. It will also be given to cabinet heads and people directing government departments.

No longer will we have to accept their lies, and wait until they have to be sworn in before a judge or political body, for them to be bound to tell the truth under penalty of perjury. If they are representing others, plus conveying ideas and facts to them, then they should be legally bound to convey it all truthfully. Since they are able to change laws in our society and directly affect our ability to survive in the society, they should be bound to the truth.

This will curtail corruption too. Can you believe our elected representatives make decisions on our health and financial survival and lie to us about what they are doing or submit false information as reasons to make those decisions?  If a doctor or financial advisor was caught doing that, they would be ejected from their profession and possibly imprisoned. So should happen to a politician. People have been complaining about politicians lying to us for centuries. Why shouldn’t they have to be truthful?

Posted in Our Society

The Trumps, After the Fall

Donald Trump is listening to Congress on C-SPAN.

“The House votes to impeach.”

DT–  Screw this, I won’t resign.  I am not a crook!  Besides, I have to give Alaska to Russia or Putin will have my ass.  I wonder what the tv ratings for the impeachment were.
Ivanka– Daddy, I’m complicit but I think you should quit.
DT– I’ll be ok Muffin. You know what?  I’m going to get you a tiara and me a crown.
Ivanka – Yea!

DT writes a tweet – How dare you people. The FBI is run by Obama. This is a set up based on fake news. Hillary is behind this too. I am the true ruler of America and you will do as I say.

After a Senate debate: “The senate votes to convict.”

DT–  This is what I get for letting people think.  I should have destroyed the school system faster.  I wonder what the tv ratings for all this were.

Officers show up to arrest Trump.
Officer – “Mr. Trump, we are here to arrest you.”
(Trump runs.)
Ivanka yells – (she sounds like Jenny in Forrest Gump) Run daddy, run!  Be complicit!
(Trump gets away via a secret passage behind a bookcase.)
DT– They’ll never find me. (Show footage of a fleet of police cars following a white Bronco a la the OJ Simpson chase scene but eventually trump gets away.)
DT– Hee Hee!

DT goes to live in a rotted out building he owned in the slums in NY. He begs for money on the street. People don’t realize he’s trump underneath the rags.
A person walking by and says – nice trump wig.
DT (groans then in Tourette like babble) – Strip club! Microwave! Obama! Putin!  (Someone else gives him a quarter and he snaps out of it) Ooo I have money!  I’m getting rich here. I’ll make my way back. Who can I call. Rudi Giuliani owes me one.
(Someone puts money in DT’s can).
DT- “Hey can I give you $5 instead? I need to pee on someone” (they run)  Oh c’mon!
(He starts babbling again.)
I know , I’ll call Kelley Anne. She’ll do anything for money

By coincidence, Ivanka also shows up to live in the rotted out building.
Ivanka – Daddy! (They hug.) Oh daddy, the IRS took trump tower and my car. (DT – Bastards!) My clothing line went bankrupt (DT– well you are a trump) Jared’s in jail, uncle Steve is in jail. They are cell mates btw and they are not getting along. Oh, and the Chinese are looking for Eric and Don Jr after the government revoked the citizenships they sold.
DT – They didnt give the money back, did they?
Ivanka – No, they spent it all
DT – On what?
Ivanka – Hookers, pizza and now plastic surgery.
DT – Oh. Good kids.
Ivanka – Melania is happy though; she’s writing a book about you. (DT – Whatever) On top of everything, no one will let me back into my office in the White House. (She’s crying). What am I going to do?
DT– Don’t worry baby doll, you can sleep with me. (They hug). But first, I need some supplies. Can you go to the store for me?
Ivanka– Sure daddy. What do you want?
DT– Some hair bleach and orange makeup. Oh! And donuts. Lots of donuts.
Ivanka – Of course daddy. I’m complicit. Be right back.
(She leaves and the FBI agents see her (they have been following her). They call in DT’s location.)

Lots of agents show up. The FBI storms in
Officer – We’ve got you now Trumpsky!
(DT runs but not fast.  His rags fall off as he runs and he is dressed in white tidy whities and a white t- shirt.  As they wrestle him to the ground he says), “No, let go! I won! I’m the president!  Give me a donut. I beat Hillary! I have to make America great again!  This time I’ll tell the truth. I swear!”

The FBI throws him in prison.

DT in prison – Damn Obama!
A transvestite prisoner says – oh Don Don, my big orange cupcake, follow me. Some of the fellas want to give you a golden shower.
DT pauses and then agreeingly shrugs his shoulders and walks off with him.

 

 

Posted in Dialog-y, Our Society, Stories & Creative Writing

Death at a Farm

image

Dave was killed recently in a stampede at his farm.  The thing is, it was a poultry farm.  Up until then, the chickens all seemed really happy; they were free range, fed organically and treated with respect and care.  But one day, screaming was heard coming from the hen house.  It wasn’t Dave though.  It was a chicken battle cry.

The trouble started when Dave went to get an egg from a nest; the mother hen started squawking and flapping her wings. Before you knew it all her brethren were coming to her rescue. Dave’s kid, Todd, said he couldn’t even get close to his dad in the chicken riot. It was all a vortex of feathers and deafening chicken screams.

When it was all over, Dave was found lifeless on the ground with peck marks and chicken feet scratches all over him.  “I never knew chickens were so vicious,” Todd said between the tears.

The funeral was nice.  People had good things to say about Dave.  The reception was also pleasant and the food was fantastic. They had Chicken Parmesan, Chicken Cordon Bleu, rotisserie chicken, Chicken Kiev, Chicken Satay, lemon chicken, barbecued chicken, chicken noodle soup, chicken kabobs, chicken burritos, chicken salad sandwiches, chicken casserole, Buffalo chicken wings, creamy garlic chicken, Ceasar salad with chicken, Chicken Marsala, Chicken Creole and some delicious Chicken Shawarma.  Dave’s wife, Nancy, said they will restart the business but will build smaller hen houses, install electric security fences and maybe add a pet wolf.

 

Posted in Stories & Creative Writing

Do The Math

Rose BowlThis thought occurred to me recently so I looked up some information on the Internet and did the math. No, this article isn’t about equations and you don’t have to do any math. The Rose Bowl enters into the picture later. Try to get past the shock of this next sentence; the article isn’t as disgusting as it implies.

The normal adult bladder can hold about 500ml. This is about 16 oz or 1 pint. (Maybe that’s why they call kids “half pint?”)  Also, apparently people pee between 6 and 8 times per day (more if they drink a lot like my college roommate) but we are a healthy society (achemmm…) and to make the math easy, let’s say 8.

So, 1 pint times 8 pees (and there are 8 pints per gallon) means we pee about a gallon of urine per day. A gallon. Multiply that by 365 days per year and an average lifespan of 69 years and it comes to about 25,000 gallons of urine in our lifetimes. Wow. Be kind to your kidneys. They are your friends.

Now let’s look at it a different way. The world population is estimated at 7.49 billion people. That means the world just composed of people (no dogs or birds or lions or bears or fish) urinated 7.49 billion gallons EACH DAY! Holy cow (no cows either). I’m amazed that the planet recycles that much pee every day.

So how much is 7.49 billion gallons? Is there something comparable in size that we could visualize?  Online information states that Lake Erie is 127.6 trillion gallons so that’s way too large.  Lake Tahoe is 39 trillion so that’s also too much.  The Niagara Falls website states that every second 757,500 gallons of water goes over the falls.  Per day that comes to 65.45 billion gallons.  That’s closer.  We humans of the world reach that Niagara Falls daily amount in 11.4 days.

Let’s try this: How would 7.49B gallons compare to the volume of a stadium? I picked one and looked it up – the Rose Bowl. Surprisingly there isn’t a lot of information about the Rose Bowl’s volume online, but one place said its about 20 million cubic feet. That equals about 149.6 million gallons. Divide 7.49 billion into that and you get 50.07 Rose Bowls. Let’s call it a smidge over 50. So the world population pees enough, each day, to fill a smidge over 50 Rose Bowl Stadiums. And yes, that comes to about 18,274 stadiums per year of human pee that is released on the world.

No more math, I won’t calculate what percentage of water that is on Earth or how long it would take to replace the Pacific Ocean, but that the Earth recycles this much pee daily is pretty impressive. Also, it makes you wonder what exactly is in the rain.

There, that wasn’t so disgusting, right?

 

 

Posted in Science & Nature, Stories & Creative Writing

Candidate Checklist

Politicians and their advisors excel at  clouding issues that they want to avoid and diverting your attention.  Elections are job interviews, not popularity contests.  Next election cycle, fill out this form (PDF at link) for each candidate so you are not swayed by their well worded BS and you have all the facts in front of you.

—>  candidate-checklist

 

h-t

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

A Driving Navigation App My Mom Would Like

The other day I was driving somewhere and using a navigation app. At one point it told me to get in the left hand lane but the traffic was heavy, plus there was a truck next to me so I couldn’t.  When I was close to the turn and still in the right hand lane, the voice on the app started screaming at me. “Hey!  Listen to me!  I said 3 minutes ago to get in the left hand lane.  You are going to miss the turn!  What are you doing?!” I felt like my mother was in the car. Needless to say I missed the turn and then it told me to pull over and stop.  I don’t know why but I did. Then it really opened up on me. It called me a couple of mean names and said that if I wasn’t going to listen, then why bother asking it for directions.  Suddenly I felt like I was still married.  I was so stressed out as it was insulting me that I started crying…and I didn’t notice that a police officer had pulled up behind me. He got out of the car, walked up to my window, saw me crying and asked if I was OK. I told him that my driving app was yelling at me and he had me get out of the car and take a sobriety test. Yes I was sober. Afterwards, I deleted the app. Next time I will look up the directions ahead of time and write them down.

traffic stop

 

 

 

Posted in Stories & Creative Writing