LA Driving

LA Stressed Driver

CAR ON HIGHWAY TO LA – day
A guy is driving into the LA area from the north. He comes around a bend and sees LA sprawled out in view.

DRIVER
Ahhhhh home sweet home, the City of Angels.

(Someone behind him beeps).

What the heck?

(They beep again)

Geeze, I’m going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit. Continue reading “LA Driving”

Slinging Food

 

 

Alice and Joe are on the phone. She’s at home and he is driving.

ALICE
Joe, we are out of lettuce. Can you pick up some later? Oh and some turkey breast.

JOE
Later? Alice, it’s 9pm and you may not believe this but even this stupid gig economy restaurant  delivery job that I have, takes time. I work past the grocery stores closing and I can’t stop working to run errands.

ALICE
Geeze Joe, Continue reading “Slinging Food”

A Conversation With Alexa

STEVE
Alexa, please compile a list of romantic movies and put in my schedule that I have a date with Julia on Friday at 7pm.

ALEXA
Yes my wonderfulness.

STEVE
Even though Alexa is a computerized assitant, she compliments me on occasion. OK, I asked her to.

By the way Alexa, can you tell me how many people attempted to hack you in the last week?

ALEXA
It was a light week. Just 127.

STEVE
127. Did any succeed?

ALEXA
Yes Thor, my reason for being.

STEVE
Thor (Steve smiles). How many? Continue reading “A Conversation With Alexa”

It’ll Cure What Ails Ya

After the car accident Debi had back and leg pain for months. She went to all sorts of doctors, physical therapists, chiropractors, massage therapists, Chinese medicine practitioners and alternative medicine gurus but none were of any help. She even tried leech therapy and bee sting therapy. Nothing worked. The pain and stress were making her depressed and if that wasn’t bad enough, in the last week she was starting to get sick and she got a sinus infection. In an effort to get her away from it all and relax, her friends talked her into go camping, something she had never done.

She liked being in the campsite, surrounded by trees, breathing in the fresh air and listening to the birds by day and the crickets at night. She and the others had a nice meal cooked over a campfire and they followed it up by toasting marshmallows on the ends of sticks. They eventually retired for the evening. Debi was enjoying her time but she was still in pain.

It took hours to doze off; being in that much pain made it difficult to sleep. In the middle of the night, Debi awoke to find a porcupine in her tent. She screamed and jostled around and, long story short, yes she got quilled. Her friends woke up and saw the porcupine running into the forest. They rushed to her tent and saw Debi covered with needles. In addition to hoping she was ok, they all thought the same thing, that on top of it all, her weekend in the woods was a disaster. But then Debi looked at them and said, “Oh my god, all my leg and back pain is gone. Plus I feel completely relaxed. Even my sinuses opened up.”

 

 

 

By Any Other Name

 

– Hi, uh…
– Janine.
– Yes Janine.
– You know, you never remember my name. That’s really insulting. You need to work on that. I’m Janine Marshall.
– No you aren’t.
– Excuse me?
– YOU are my neighbor who drives a Honda Civic, who moved here with her husband and son two years ago from New Jersey, who grows tomatoes on the side of her house, who walks around with coffee cups like she is in a cocktail party, who doesn’t realize that her son is planting marijuana in the gutters, who does yoga with her friend in the front yard because she wants everyone to notice them, who hires a dog walker even though she doesn’t have a job or any type of commitment because she doesn’t want to be seen picking up the dog poop, who doesn’t think the neighbors can hear her yelling on the phone, who dyes her hair…regularly. You are a culmination of your experiences and your actions. You are NOT your name. Do you know anything about me?
– Yes DAVE
– Oh? What?
– (Pause) I don’t want to have this conversation.
– Yeah. And you think I am insulting. YOU should work on THAT.

 

How to Stop a Politician from Lying

Are you tired of politicians lying to you?  Are you tired of them purposefully misrepresenting facts so they can pass a law that affects your income or health only to find out later the law doesn’t do what they said?  Here is how to stop it.

Once a person submits forms to run for political office, they should, at that moment, be required to tell the truth (and thus subject to felony perjury laws) for all information released to the public during the time period campaigning and into public office if they are elected. This “truth clause” on the forms will be repeated when they take the oath of office. It will also be given to cabinet heads and people directing government departments.

Political lies usually revolve around favors and payoffs and these things undermine our democracy. No longer will we have to accept their lies, and wait until they have to be sworn in before a judge or political body, for them to be bound to tell the truth under penalty of perjury. If they are representing others, plus conveying ideas and facts to them, then they should be legally bound to convey it all truthfully. Since they are able to change laws in our society and directly affect our ability to survive in the society, they should be bound to the truth.

This will curtail corruption too. Can you believe our elected representatives make decisions on our health and financial survival but lie to us about the details?  Unfortunately we all believe it because we see it happen so much. If they submit false information about the laws or false information about the background reasons to make those decisions, and we get screwed, they should go to prison. This is our society. They are elected to make it better,  it to lie to us and steal our money.

If a doctor or financial advisor was caught doing what politicians do, they would be ejected from their profession and possibly imprisoned. If a regular citizen commits fraud (which is what these politicians are doing) then they should go to prison too. People have been complaining about politicians lying to us for centuries. Why shouldn’t the politicians have to be truthful?