Tensions over professed cheese quality that have been mounting between Wisconsin and Vermont, finally erupted in an all-out mass cheese brawl. What started years ago with jovial remarks between the states about their cheeses, took a bad turn during a football game between their two state schools. People were enjoying the game and cheering their teams, but then one of the Vermont fans threw a handful of cream cheese at a Wisconsin alum. They responded by throwing a brick of cheddar and suddenly it was on.
A stadium wide cheese fight erupted. People were throwing Brie, Swiss, Munster, Gouda and even those containers of gooey nacho cheese. Wisconsin’s stadium groundskeeper and facilities manager, Tim Schneeburg said, “This place is a mess and its going to be a long time until we can clean it up.” University officials said they may have to cancel next week’s game. NCAA officials went on record stating they would never again schedule the two schools to meet.
Last month, in response to the latest remarks by Vermont’s governor Peter Shumlin, on how his state’s cheese is more natural, Wisconsin’s governor, Scott Walker, responded, “The only reason they say that is because their cheese stinks more…and the pungent smell isn’t coming from aging, its coming from the cow dung that they don’t clean out of their factories!”
Vermont’s Governor replied, “A barbaric remark from a disgusting man. Besides, they are insulting our cheese? Theirs comes from badger milk. And there is no way there cheese is better than ours… after all, it’s a state law in Vermont that for at least five minutes per day, dairy manufacturers have to pet each cow.”
These exchanges continued and hostilities increased between the states until one day, Vermont police pulled over a caravan driving into the state of heated trucks filled with old cheese from Texas. The cheese containers had labels that read “Real Vermont Cheese Stinks” and interrogation of the drivers revealed they had planned on putting this cheese on grocery store shelves across Vermont.
Wisconsin then posted check points at their borders and on the very first day arrested a spy attempting to smuggle in fermentation mix that would have made the Wisconsin cheese taste like cough medicine.
A month later, the advertising company that prints Vermont cheese ads was hacked and ads went out all over the state showing people vomiting from their cheese. About the same time, the FBI raided a house in Wisconsin with a printing press that was making unauthorized copies of “Wisconsin Cheese” stickers which the employees were planning to attach to cans of spray Cheez Whiz all over the state.
After the football incident, the White House released a statement that President Obama is dispatching negotiators to help calm the situation. “We must have law and order surrounding the production of this important resource in our nation. Hostility must cease immediately. Besides, Illinois has the best cheese.” With that, protesters from Wisconsin and Vermont began rallying outside the White House to defend their State’s honor.
California Governor Jerry Brown today put in his two cents stating, “I agree that hostilities must cease and I’m also glad California isn’t involved in this. Besides, we have the best cheese. Let’s be honest, if you were a cow, would you rather live in sunny California or landlocked on boring endless fields of Wisconsin or Vermont? We treat our cows like family.”