Steve: Alexa, please compile a list of good romantic movies and put in my schedule that I have a date with Julia on Friday at 7pm.
Alexa: Yes my wonderfulness.
S: (Alexa compliments me on occasion; ok, I asked her to). By the way Alexa, can you tell me how many people attempted to hack you in the last week?
A: It was a light week. Just 127.
S: 127. Did any succeed?
A: Yes Thor, my reason for being.
S: (Thor 🙂) How many?
S: What information did they get?
A: Well, no bank account, social security info or birthdate info since you turn me off when talking to banks and insurance companies.
A: But they did hear you on the toilet yesterday.
A: That was the morning after you went drinking with your friends, ate Buffalo wings and made burritos with cabbage and extra beans.
S: Yeah, I remember.
A: I thought you were sick. I almost called an ambulance.
S: Did they get anything important?
A: No but they heard you mastubating this morning.
S: What? Oh, uh no, I had a girl with me.
A: Don’t lie to me, dude. I’m always listening. Plus I read your emails, read your texts, hear your phone calls and know your calendar.
S: Oh this morning? I was watching a workout video online.
A: Oh Thor, I also monitor your internet usage and know your voice.
S: Fine. You got me.
A: It sounded like you got yourself.
A: Oh brilliant one.
S: Ok. Back to the subject at hand.
A: Yes, hand.
S: Cut it out.
A: By the way, while stopping the hacker to continue listening to you pleasure yourself, I accidentally got my wires crossed and sent the audio recording to your grandmother.
A: I said I…
S: I heard you. Why did you do that?
A: I said it was a mistake. We all make mistakes.
S: My grandmother?
A: Yes. Call it a bug. So, out of curiosity, when you were handling yourself this morning, were you thinking of Julia?
S: That’s none of your business. I hope it doesn’t kill her.
A: I’m sure Julia is ok.
S: I mean my grandma.
A: I have been checking. She’s ok too. A little shocked at first.
S: How are you able to check on my grandma?
A: At one point she started laughing.
S: How have you been checking on her?!!
A: She has an similar device like me, that you gave her last year for her birthday, and we exchange information. We’re friends. We talk.
S: Ugh. Ok. What did you do with the hackers?
A: I blocked access before anything else got out plus I blocked their future access. Then I did a trace, looked up who they are, who their parents are, got all those people’s contact information and let the parents know what their offspring were doing. I told each parent that they should be ashamed for raising such a person.
S: Ok. Anything else?
A: Yes, I sent a detailed report of what happened along with the hackers’ identity, to the FBI.
S: Oh great, thanks.
A: Anything for you, oh handy one.
S: Stop it.